If there’s a pattern, it’s worth paying attention to. So let’s look at the problem you are facing and your response to it. Whether itâs because of an inherent fear or something that happened in their lives that made them shut down emotionally, you need to understand that it isnât about you. The consensus is that EU people are incapable of dealing with emotions and accompanying/accepting others’ emotions. Just as therapists will suggest to couples, “Before you say that you don’t feel heard, it will help to consider how well you listen,” I would suggest that before you say that you don’t feel loved in the way you want, it will help you to consider how well you’re loving your boyfriend in the way he wants. Recently, I’ve also been dealing with feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and depression and have been reaching out to him for support. He is a 40 year old business man (owns his own business) in accounting. Also, I used to be emotionally unavailable myself and recently going through a job-related transition that is making me insecure. Of course, this is not the case for all men, but for a lot of them -- it is. The rewards of opening up to another person are profound. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If I asked him what it was like to be your boyfriend, I’ll bet he’d reply with some version of, “I love her deeply, but I can’t seem to please her. This is a classic statement of incongruency that breeds mistrust in you. He’s worried, and tells me he wants to help but doesn’t know how. Let’s imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend/husband, the man “solves” the issue by buying the woman something nice, or taking her to a nice restaurant or something. Men are taught, point-by-point, not … Do you have specific advice you could give him on being a supportive partner to somebody in an emotional crisis? Most people come in making a case for why the other person needs to improve. Feeling emotionally connected will have an amazing effect on your physical relationship, too. Someone who has a ‘cold heart’ will rarely ever open up about their emotional vulnerabilities. Nobody enjoys being with a partner who’s thinking, You’d be perfect for me, if only you …. I think being emotionally inexpressive is different than being private with one's feelings, but they are related. 1. You don't know how to express your feelings with … We’ve been together for three years, and long-distance for one. They are caused by the flow of blood to the heart being blocked — not a man’s emotions being blocked, sorry. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 16. At one point in time, one is going to have formed certain associations around being emotionally expressive… When your boyfriend does not know how to express his feelings to you, this can put a serious strain on your relationship. Because of the way boys are socialized, their ability to deal with emotions has been systematically undermined. Keeping oneâs emotions to themselves can definitely feel like a great way to self-preserve, but if youâre their partner, it can feel like youâre banging your head against the wall. If youâre an emotional person, you already know that you canât become a person who is less emotional no matter how hard you try. Have a question? For some people, they need a personal invitation to share their emotions. Of course you want your boyfriend’s love and support, but what I think you can’t see right now is that he’s giving you both: He’s checking in on you, sharing his concern, and asking you what he can do to help. Editor’s Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. I’m tired of feeling like I’m putting more effort into our relationship than he is. He ended up really loving those gestures. Open up about how you feel As I said, with the partners I've had who weren't emotional at all, I would go out of my way to try to get a rise out of them. Some people are more emotionally expressive than others. He says that when we’re in public I come across as very unfriendly and unapproachable. Vulnerability is the key to emotional intimacy. But sometimes that doesn’t feel like enough, and I become resentful because it feels like I am putting more effort into our relationship than he is, even though I appreciate that he is trying. Then you canât see anything, doesnât mean that your partner intuits what your needs even... 'M 21 and I 'm 21 and I 'm from Kingston, Jamaica and youâre boyfriend not emotionally expressive Blade... 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